Throughout this pregnancy I have been, and remain, anxious. It's better now than it was very early, but it's still there, and varies per day.
This, after difficulties like a long period ttc, is not that unusual. So not unusual is it that there's even terminology - "precious baby pregnancies" http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/268373.php
But, what it has made me realise, is that I've _always_ been anxious and it's not normal. As a kid I used to imagine being called out of school to be told that one or both of my parents had been killed. Used to rehearse the scenario, what I'd say, what I'd do etc. When J and I were initially together if I couldn't get hold of him I never fretted that he was having an affair, but that something terrible had happened to him. Essentially I've spent my entire life fretting that the centre of my world at any given moment was about to be ripped away.
I'm not entirely sure why that is - and it had always struck me as completely normal up until now, and the fact that I've started reading about anxiety a bit more. I think it was almost a control thing - that if I imagined the worst thing possible that made it less scary?
1. How many jobs have you had, and which was your favorite?
Not counting the temping I did pre and during uni, 5 - although only in 2 places. I think the one I've got at the moment is my favourite.
2. When did you first connect to other people via computers?
About 94? But only people I already knew. The first time I did randoms (so to speak) was on ICQ at uni.
3. Were/are you on AOL? Compuserve? LJ? Dreamwidth? A Listserv? Other?
Compuserve. And obvs LJ as it's here.
4. If you went to college, does your major match your career/current job?
I guess so.
5. Have you had a mammogram? Colonoscopy?
No. Coloscopy though.
6. When did you get your first cell phone? What was it like? (Did it have a screen? Could you text? Was it a brick or flip?)
2000. A virgin mobile.
7. When did your family first acquire a colour TV?
All the time I was a kid.
8. When did your family acquire a second TV?
I have a feeling they always had one in my parents bedroom but it was tiny and hardly ever used.
9. Did you ever own “designer jeans”?
I had some Lee jeans.
10. Have you ever been to a disco?
11. How many places (towns, states, countries) have you lived in?
Poole, Redbridge, Cambridge, Brussels, London (different bits of)
12. Have any of your contemporary friends died? (ie: people more or less you age.)
Yes. A boy a year below me at uni died of meningitis, and a girl I was at school with died when overseas.
13. Are your parents still living?
14. Do you have any gray hairs?
I don't think so. I normally dye my hair, but it doesn't seem to be growing in grey.
15. Did you or your family own a Betamax?
16. How did you spend New Year’s Eve 1999/2000?
With my ex boyfriend.
17. What’s the oldest article of clothing you still wear?
Ball gown from 2000.
18. Do you eat your vegetables?
19. Are the privileges of adulthood worth the responsibilities?
20. Do you feel like an adult?
21. Is youth wasted on the young?
No, but it would be nice to have that relaxing time with no responsibility and lots of energy again. I think as a woman as well you'd have much more confidence second time around.
I got better, finally, thankfully. It was a fairly grim 10 days or so though. I am back walking but haven't swum yet.
Michael came to stay which was nice, we ate and drank the world which was also nice, I put a lb and a half on which is not nice but deal-able with. When I get back I think I'm going to reset my target weight to somewhere between 10 stone 7 and 10.10, but I thought I'd make a call on that when I'm back.
Back = back from Italy. Rome and Sorrento. Am looking forward but also oddly apprehensive, but I suppose given Barcelona (delayed flight for 48 hours, xmas in gatwick premier inn, then got terrible chest infection so in bed for NYE) that's not surprising. Have laid out our days and they're fairly packed.
We see our consultant on Thurs re baby stuff, so who knows I may even get a plan out of that.
So last Friday I was feeling pretty good - I managed to walk 10 miles in a day, got home, got changed, and was ready for dinner and a school disco night. During dinner I started to get a griping pain on the right side of my lower abdomen, by the ovary. It was soon so painful I had to go home. Took a load of ibuprofen had a long bath and felt well enough to sleep.
Woke up on Saturday morning pain had switched to the other side. Not as bad, but constant.
And has been, with the exception of 15 minutes ever since.
I went to the docs on Monday where they dip-tested for UTI - nothing showed up, but they gave me antibiotics anyway. The pain doesn't seem to have improved although feel a bit better in myself
My exercise regime has been the following for the last few months.
Mon: Walk 1 mile to tube, swim 60 lengths, walk 1 mile back from tube (as well as walking during the day)
Tues: Walk 1 mile to tube/1 mile back from tube (as well as walking during the day)
Weds: Walk 1 mile to tube, walk 4.5 miles from work to home
Thurs: Walk 1 mile to tube, swim 60 lengths, walk 1 mile back from tube (as well as walking during the day)
Fri: Walk 1 mile to tube, walk 4.5 miles from work to home
Sat: 45 minute aerobic workout followed by ten minutes abs work
And suddenly every day is Sunday. I'm having to get two buses to get to the tube because the pain is exacerbated when I walk for more than two minutes. Sex is, of course, out of the question. Also either whatever this weird thing is or the antibiotics have pushed my ovulation back, which now means I'll be bleeding right the way though my holiday. I feel like all my good fitness work has slammed shut. The only small consolation I have is that I haven't comfort ate which I would have been tempted to do.
On that, weight is currently sitting precariously at 10 st 11, and one other comfort is that this week despite the lack of exercise on five of the seven days I maintained. I don't think I will this week :(. I say precarious as my revised target weight was 11 stone 3 - so I'm out of target. I could revise down to 10 st 10, which would then let me go as high as 10 st 13. H says I'm getting too scrawny, so I think he'd prefer me not to change it, and to try and sit at about 11. I think I'm just going to see how I feel when I get back from Italy.
I'm really fed up, not least as this felt like I was getting some control of my body through weight maintenance and exercise and I'm now back to being an inactive slob :(
2 stone 12 to be exact. Which given the amount of time is great, but means I didn't lose a single ounce this week for the first time.
As I said at the beginning this will happen, but I wasn't expecting it to happen on a week where I'd been religiously following the plan and exercising. So, for that, and other reasons I was pretty low last night.
It could be hormonal - I've not weighed in this early in my cycle before - or it could be the fact I weighed in at a different time of day last week (when I lost 5lbs) so I'm going to see how I get on next week. If I lose less than a lb next week though it will be a sign that something is up, at which point I need to add couch-to-5k into my weekly routine. Sigh. Importantly though that 2 stone 12 has taken me into the "normal" bracket of BMI, from the "obese" I started out as.
Baby stuff is where it is, making me unhappy.
Better news: This year I'm going to use all my leave for the first time! At the end of the month we go to Scotland and I get to see M's cottage (not a euphemism) and in September we're going to Rome. This latter trip is the day after we see our consultant. We are flying BA, from LHR in an attempt to banish Gatwick-easyjet thoughts.
Work is fine. I produced something I'm proud of recently and I think I'm doing good work at the minute. However, I probably care less about this than at any time in the last 10 years due to other stuff.
|» London is unwell|
So, as part of the grand weight loss programme I have been walking around more. And the more I walk, the more I think the above. Particularly pertinent when I walk through Mayfair.|
Mayfair is genuinely hideous. It's full of emaciated women (seriously, the de facto now for young women in London is to be underweight. I'd imagine the majority are at least a stone light as to where they should be). It's also full of foreigners and the very rich. And the very poor.
Let me classify foreigners, because I'm aware this is sounding a bit ukip. There's two definition - the formal, someone born in another land, and there's the informal "a person not belonging". Mayfair is so rammed of those, that it itself is now not belonging. A friend knocked up for the Tories a couple of years ago in Regents Park and Westminster North, and explained that the reason the Tories did comparatively badly in London is because he would go to social housing and most people were in and voting Labour, and he'd go to the neighbouring private houses and find them all owned by non-UK residents. London has always been an international capital and there are things about that I love - where I am has a fantastic Turkish community for instance - but this is no community. We're effectively transforming central London into a weekend base for Russian gazillionaires, who have no interest in being part of the UK, or building a community, but just want an occasional bolt-hole. At the same time prices escalate hugely until the Russian gazillionaires are all that can afford to buy property there. And we question why there were London riots a couple of years ago?
That moves on to the very poor. Over the lifetime of this Government I've seen a big increase of beggars and people on the street. That's something we all have to deal with, pretty much wherever we live, but when you get to Mayfair it just feels horrendously wrong. The contrast is too great. Walking through there makes me feel like I've got something pressed onto my chest.
Naturally I've not event talked about the insanity of a situation where houses are earning more than their occupants each year.
People always talk about the need to rebalance the economy for the good of the north, but actually I feel like it's London that desperately needs that too. It gets more and more crowded and more oppressive, more unequal, less cohesive. I feel like London is at a tipping point, and someone desperately needs to tackle it, but no one will.
As a first step I'd move parliament out to Manchester. There's a danger of a bubble there too, but you have to start somewhere, and with the BBC already being there it's a natural place to locate media etc.
Then I'd look at property taxes for non-residents. Yes, there'll be loopholes, but you have to at least try.
The proceeds of those I'd plough into building more social housing - an idea that's been largely abandoned cf http://www.newstatesman.com/politics/2013/11/look-heygate-estate-whats-wrong-londons-housing
Something has to happen. Labour should be talking about this, but eh, there's another story.
|» 2 months, 2 stones, 2lbs (and a half)|
Oh dear, this is turning into a weight loss journal. Hey ho. So that's where we are, BMI is now down to 26.15 after being over 30. I move faster, my clothes are looser. I've lost a clothes size and a half. If I carry on the way I have been I'll have lost all my weight by the end of next month. My thinking is that I'm more likely to get there by the end of September - that would be losing about 1.5lbs per week.|
The athletics has started again! This probably makes me happier than my twitter followers but still.
Work is fine.
Baby stuff is not happening but we do, at least, have somewhat of a plan.
|» 1 month in|
So, so far I've lost 13.5lbs of the 3 stone 9 I need to (I miscalculated initially because I decided that a stone had 12 lbs). On Friday I had the first person at work ask me if I'd lost weight, and J has said he finds me more attractive now.|
There's still some considerable way to go - my gut is still horrendous, and I still seem to have little of a waist. For the first fortnight the weight seemed to come completely off my chest, which was somewhat depressing...I've now had a bit come off my face as well, but the problem areas don't seem to be shifting yet. I am feeling better though - I'm moving around faster, walking up escalators etc - and that has to be something.
Crucially ahead of the fertility clinic appointment next month my BMI is now under 30, which after all, is the most important. Of the 10kg the doctor told me to lose (I either lost weight between seeing the doctor and the first SW weigh-in or one of their scales are out) I've now lost 7.5 and hope to be over the 10 by I time I got to the fertility clinic.
In terms of the longer term weight loss, I think it's going to take a while - the first few weeks are always quickest. Also I'm aware that there is going to a week when the scales don't move down or even edge up... If I lose an average of a lb a week I'll be at target weight by my birthday in March. It's a long time, but hopefully sustainable, and hopefully do-able - I still have fears that I'll hit a plateau and end up not being able to lose more
I've also given up looking for a new job. I think with the trying to lose weight and trying for a baby I've got enough on - and I don't actually want to start a new stressful job that could interfere with either. The baby stuff is as depressing and heart-breaking as you would imagine, but I said I wouldn't write about that here.
|» When I die I expect to find him laughing|
Wow. Getting my period and turned down for the job I interviewed for on the same day. Nice.|
|» Things I will never find|
1. A positive result on a pregnancy test|
2. A job I want to apply for